This entire pandemic is god-bestowed, say the positive souls, the Cov-evangelists. It’s a total world-reset. The Cov-evangelists are gushing over the geese coming out to the canals, the crows cawing in the balcony and the pigeons shitting the outdoor A/C unit. The earth belongs to other creatures too, not just humans. Stay at home, share the world, be humble. Lungi makers and chilli powder companies are advising us on TV.
Governments around the world are busy threatening smaller countries out of their medicines, stealing masks, fudging counts and keeping people from going into full-blown panic. News channels are doing little better than the perimmas, uncles in the family in conveying totally up to the minute information but mostly useless information. They are relaying anything but hope.
It is up to the individual, you and me to think of the big things, the big little things in our everyday life – like is ice cream essential or not? Somebody’s got to ask the difficult questions.
Really someone tell me. Is ice cream essential or not? What about Kara boondi, murukku, chips, chocolate, kara sev, samosa, egg puff, pizza, milagai bajji and onion pakoda? Who is to say these are extravagant? Imagine a little girl who has to have her daily cadbury’s chocolate bar, a thatha who needs onion pakoda and chips with his rasam rice, a young man who has to have a samosa with his chai, a sweet blogger who needs murukku or kara boondhi with her lemon and honey drink. As serious as alcohol addiction is and as callous as we are about it, there’s no real hope for snack fiends like you and me. I can hear the caring, self-righteous pricks wail “How insensitive and entitled of you, you Netflix watching wretch. People are dying without food. You want ice cream?! Shame on you.”
This is a classic case of the “guilty of eating your food” phenomenon. At any point there is some hungry person somewhere. Will you not eat the biryani in front of you because of that? Now that you have biryani, you’ll expect raita too. Once you’re done with the biryani, an ice cream doesn’t seem too much of a stretch.
All you shameless, entitled, Netflix watching bums, I don’t know about you, but my opinion is that ice cream and kara boondi are pretty much essential.
Ugly birthday cakes and ear-infections
People with the misfortune of having been born in these lockdown months will have to endure ugly homemade birthday cakes (of course made with a lot of love), uglier video calls with friends in their nighty and uncombed hair and sitting at home the whole day. They’ll post all of the hideousness on social media for the rest of us to see how grateful they are for the little things in life and maybe a lie or two that this was the best birthday. Really? Then what about the one you got drunk with friends.
I expect ear-infections to go up with this lockdown. It’s very sherlock-esque to say something random like that without an explanation but with a lot of confidence. I’ll tell you in a bit. Headaches are already widespread. No explanation necessary. Combiflam is as much in demand as chloroquine.
People in essential services are out doing their duty. People in not-at-all essential services are sitting at home doing work-from-home and doing skype calls all day mostly because, otherwise folks at home don’t take them seriously. I am kidding. We have video calls to check that team members are not shirtless when they’re working on critical deliverables. By the way impromptu video calls need to be banned right away. Going to write to Modi about it.
Because of said calls, most WFH’ers wear earphones pretty much throughout the day. Ear infections are logical progression.
Are moms and particularly working moms the most affected?
Among those not affected by the virus, who’s the most affected? Ok, after the migrant labourers. Ok, after the ones stuck in places away from their home. Ok, after every other political demographic. Moms always come in last. I knew it. Let me say it anyway. Working moms are among the most affected because they’re right now caught up in a worst-of-all-worlds scene –
- They have to work from home. They are working moms because they want to get AWAY from their home. So WFH fucks with the fundamental principle of a working mom.
- The maid is on leave. Every woman knows that she can live with being away from her travelling husband for weeks or even months on end but not a day without her maid. This is sadistic. I miss Padma.
- Kids are on endless leave. They use your phone, peep into your video calls, drag you to play cricket during work, complain about the food and drag their feet on household chores. Now the school sends video lessons that you’re supposed to ensure the kids watch and take notes. I paid school fees. If I wanted to teach, I would have become a teacher (and promptly retired). I am not teaching kids, even if they’re my own.
If this is some kind of grand test of how much more moms can do, can I please ask for ‘fail’ grade and move on?
Alcoholics have option to die or be more prepared
Once the lockdown is over, many will become teetotallers and will qualify for the majority of the matrimonial ads or will set up mini-bars in their homes to tide over crises. Either way drunk driving should go down. Meanwhile, TASMAC godowns will get robbed and bottles will sell on the black market for exorbitant amounts.
Can I pre-order pizza and night pants?
I hate crowds and I am in need of good pajamas. Can I pre-order these things so that I don’t have to fight the crowds? When the shops open up after the lockdown, I expect that people will want to stock up on pajamas, pasta, cadbury’s chocolate, cocoa powder, board games, cheese, maggi, carrom board, condoms, alcohol, dumb-bells, shorts, eyebrow trimmers, lungis, hula hoop, tortillas, waxing strips, skipping rope, yeast, towels, oven, chips, panties, tennis balls to play cricket, playing cards…
I don’t usually wear good stylish pajamas at home. I wear nighties the lower portion lifted and knotted mid-way to make it a midi-nighty, old T-shirts – Jagan’s sometimes, older night pants and lungis. The normal me will save the pajamas for a special day and wear it on a holiday in some hotel room. The lockdown me will wear it on one of the work days and act casual like I always wear good stylish pajamas at home.
Can we please opt out of the stayhomestaysafe campaign messages?
When you’ve not worn your shoes in a month, not worn anything half-decent, not stepped out and smelt fresh air, when you comb your hair once in three days, when you even asked your dear maid to not come, your TV is your only window to the world outside and you see some celebrity come and tell you to stayhomestaysafe, you are perfectly right in swearing and asking him/her to get lost. Why else would I be watching this shit? Can we not state the obvious? Can we not cough on the phone? There needs to be a DND for this campaign. If you have a good dinner idea, decent movie suggestions or activities for kids, I may be interested. Otherwise I am not interested whoever you are.
I would love to hear your dilemmas and questions. I promise to not judge. Please share in the comments.